This Is Getting Monotonous

5/14/2019

During the prolonged period I went without ketamine due to my being fed up with going to San Francisco, I felt worse to the point of thinking about suicide. I eventually decided with much reluctance to go to S.F. again to get another ketamine infusion. (BTW, don’t get coverage from Kaiser Permanente if you want mental health treatment. The people in charge of running it are the worst.)

Since I felt my depression compromising my cognition, I was hopeful I’d benefit a lot from it this time. Unfortunately, it only cleared my mind a little and had no effect on my mood. But let me tell you about the experience this time.

I ended up experiencing the same things I’ve already described in this blog. Yet again I felt worse (at first) because I associate the hospital with bad memories. Yet again I felt as though I had some bird’s eye view of the world and its history and how human society has unfolded through the millennia.

The only wrinkle in the experience this time was that I also thought about game theory too. That’s probably because of this video I watched the day before. It got me thinking about whether morality is in some way connected to the Nash equilibrium point. If so, that would explain the rise of empathy, outrage, and other emotions associated with morality.

Elizabeth link

5/17/2019 02:45:39 am

It’s interesting that on the 14th I felt like “my life” was monotonous I
but didn’t know why. Then I went outside and suddenly there were two doves sitting on my patio railing. They kept skooting closer to one another without touching. They just cooed. I realized that I can’t know what they feel but I found a sense of peace within me right then. It was as if we are all connected by a thread that vibrates into a one tune. That every creature/ human plays a key part in this world even when they aren’t aware of it. I find it interesting that in the Bible there are many references to doves. In the story of the Ark Noah sends out a dove hopeful it will bring back some sign of earth/ land. Then it does come. Noah finds assurance then that he will soon walk on land. The storm is over. Like that I think that hints of hope show up in our lives but I know I often miss them. I don’t look outside my window to receive that glimmer of hope. I know that I know you are gifted. I can see that. It is unique. There is a plan here on earth for you! What you share, write carries within it a light, even when you don’t feel or see it. It is also very courageous of you to express your thoughts, experiences, view point within your blog. Not everyone can do that. Thanks so much for sharing these with us,! Your writing opens doors.

Alex Freeman

5/17/2019 09:08:21 am

Oh, thank you, Elizabeth! You're actually the second person to tell me that my writing opens (although the other person worded it a little differently).

Irene

6/11/2019 08:21:45 am

Need some help with your allusion to game theory website. I need someone like you to briefly explain what the Nash equilibrium point is and anything else that pertains to your experience and this theory.

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This Is Getting Monotonous

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