Well, it's been more than month since my last session. The coronavirus has turned the world upside-down, and it complicates getting more ketamine. I'm also not eager to re-experience anything like my last session. This uncertainty makes the future of this blog uncertain. Will this be the last entry? Even I don't know the answer to that question. In fact, the uncertainty of this blog reminds me of the uncertainty of life.
My life has deviated quite a bit from the way I thought it'd be a long time ago, and every time things turned out differently, it's always been for the worse. 20 years of that coupled with an active mind has made me see evidence of death and destruction all around.
At some point, I realized that civilization is built on thousands of years' worth of violence. It's been made possible through slavery and slaughter. Enslaving people and animals created the first cities, and every building is on some land seized through violence and protected by the threat thereof. It's horrifying to think that so much of what we enjoy today was only made possible through murder and torture.
The dark side of humanity has helped me see just how contrived the trappings of civilization are. Order seems to be held in place by some invisible scaffolding I can't believe I hadn't noticed far earlier.
And nature isn't so wonderful either. It's full of predators and parasites.
The only thing I'm certain about my life is that my best days are long behind me. I have nothing to look forward to. I remember when dying seemed like such a big deal to me. That was many years ago.