Retraumatized

Well, I had my ketamine session for the first time at this new place in Palo Alto. The people there were nice enough, but the actual ketamine experience this time was terrible.

I'd rather not get into the specifics, but it dredged up all the pain I've felt in the past related to my depression. I ended up reliving the past 20 years of  pain in the course of an hour or two. It was like a band-aid being ripped off me and having what was kept inside me burst out. It felt traumatic.

There have been times where ketamine did me little or no good. But this is the first time it's ever made me feel worse. The thought that I could still be alive 40 years from now fills me with dread. I feel envious of the dead. They don't suffer at all.