This is a really belated post from January...
Well, this time my parents accompanied me to my ketamine session in San Francisco.
I figured this session would be much more effective this time around because I'd felt my brain "hardening" a few days earlier. It's a feeling kind of like having a knot in your stomach except that my brain felt as though it'd compressed into something hard like a rock.
Well, sure enough, the ketamine was MUCH more effective this time than the two previous times. Although I'd decided to take a break from philosophy, the drug had a way bringing out the philosopher in me.
I started wondering what the cosmos is made of. What is reality made out of? The Chinese have a saying, "It's hard to see the mountain when you're inside it." So someone ideally suited to figure out what reality is made out of would be someone who exists outside reality. But how can someone exist outside reality? No wonder it's so hard to figure out!
I also started thinking about the different stages in one's life, and I felt regret that I'd missed out on so much.
After the session was over, my parents and I went to see the psychiatrist in charge of me ketamine to see if certain changes could be made to the protocol.
Yet another awful journey in San Francisco. Yet another session that did me no good. Stupid fucking Weebly won't let me choose the titles for my posts anymore...
I had to wait quite a while for my next session because of Kaiser Permanente taking so damn long to get its act together.
Well, I had to make the very inconvenient journey to San Francisco to have it. It was administered to me in some hospital, and I felt hardly anything. I really am starting to think there is no hope for me, and I have nothing to live for.
My latest treatment had no effect. I'm starting to wonder if I'm beyond being helped.
Whoa! It's been a while since my last post. That's because getting my next session squared took considerably longer than anticipated. Rest assured, though, that there will be a post covering my upcoming session next week.
Months after the sixth session, I had the first session of what's supposed to be a series of four monthly sessions. The first such session (which makes for a grand total of seven overall) had no impact on me, and that led to me despairing ketamine was actually no cure at all for me and that all my hope had been in vain.
However, I was eventually persuaded to give it another try, and the subsequent session was a breakthrough. It dispelled my extreme depression and helped lead to more revelations.
During the camping trip I went on with brother and father, I felt enough clutter had been cleared from my mind to realize I'd hit the upper limit on the usefulness of rationality in coping with my emotional state. I needed to rely more on emotion and exercise to improve my mood.
I also think I've finally figured out the answers to the meta-ethical questions that have been perplexing me for years! I can see why The Doors of Perception has a philosophical bent to it. I've never thought of drugs as a philosopher's tool before, but I'd imagine it's akin to Siddhartha must have experienced when he was in deep meditation, trying to figure out how to live a good life. I also think it must be why A.I.-generated works of literature like this reads like something written by someone on on acid trip. The computer lacks preconceived notions, and taking drugs can clear your mind of preconceived notions.
The sixth session felt shorter than the previous one but longer than the third and fourth sessions. I felt a certain calmness this time around. I had a revelation that I’ve been overly fixated on the possibility of being wrong to the point where it was actually contributing to my anxiety and, ironically, diminishing my ability to ascertain the truth.
The session concluded with me feeling a glowing sense of contentment.
Before leaving Facebook, I told my friends on Facebook about this blog, and one of them recommended The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley. I plan on reading it some time.
For the fifth session, the experience began with a floating sensation. As with the first time, I first felt as though my neural pathways were getting shaken loose. Like the previous two sessions, it had a Zen quality to it, and I thought about how trying to get accustomed the worst-case scenario for a given thing was actually contributing to my depression. It also felt much longer than the previous two sessions but not as long as the first. It was still long enough for me to get bored with the experience, though.
The main thing I thought of during the fourth session was Fantasia (I was listening to Beethoven's Sixth for what it's worth). The experience seemed to have a certain Zen quality to it that made think of the importance of being in the present.
It had less impact than the third time, and I seemed to recover remarkably quickly.
I have been persuaded to have more ketamine sessions even though the last one had hardly any effect. I'll be sure to continue putting up the descriptions of my earlier sessions.