Unfortunately, my two sessions in March failed to have any appreciable effect on my mood. However, I can look forward to having my next session in just two days, and you the reader can look forward to reading my review of Aldous Huxley's essay The Doors of Perception next week.
This is a belated post from a session in January.
This session was less effective than the previous one, but it definitely still had an effect.
The first thing I noticed was a falling sensation like falling out of a chair tilted back except that the bed I was lying on felt tilted back. This sensation lasted quite a while.
Periodically throughout most of my session, I'd hear, “Suzy, 12/11/1935” coming behind the curtain separating my bed and the one next to mine. I thought about what a long time ago 1935 was, and this got me thinking about times in our lives. I wondered what Suzy's birth looked like on that day that happened so long ago and thought about how much the world has changed since then. I thought about my own past life and how I wish I could revisit some scenes from it and make different decisions, but time is unidirectional.
I even thought about time in general. We don't understand what it is. Physicists have found themselves stumped, and philosophers have helpfully pointed out to them they'd been using time to describe itself. As as a little kid, I found myself perplexed by how time could or couldn't have a beginning. My mom was puzzled when I asked her, “What's the first day?”, not realizing I meant, “What was the first day ever?”
I then saw myself looking down on Earth throughout the ages and felt like the master of all I surveyed as I saw things coming together on increasingly small scale in fractal-type manner. First star dust clumped together to from Earth. Then Earth's volcanoes spewing lava and such. Eventually, things settled down enough for molecules to form the first life forms. Then self-aware animals competed with each other until some species developed empathy, leading to social species working as groups. Then humans engaged in inter-tribal warfare. Some of them would leave the Stone Age, and they would carry on fighting in the Bronze Age, forming the first civilizations, then the first city-states, and then the first nations. Then I'd see the pattern repeat with business mergers leading to large corporations having monopolies in their respective fields.
Finally, throughout my session, I wished there were a way to record my thoughts directly since I knew I'd forget quite a bit before since there is always some delay between my session and my writing of it. Yes-- some interesting details from this session and all the other interesting ones will be lost forever because of that. Aldous Huxley apparently didn't have this problem, though, since he mentions in The Doors of Perception a psychiatrist there to record his thoughts. That may be due to difference between ketamine and mescaline, though.
I have another session soon. I have another post in the pipeline too from January.
This is a really belated post from January...
Well, this time my parents accompanied me to my ketamine session in San Francisco.
I figured this session would be much more effective this time around because I'd felt my brain "hardening" a few days earlier. It's a feeling kind of like having a knot in your stomach except that my brain felt as though it'd compressed into something hard like a rock.
Well, sure enough, the ketamine was MUCH more effective this time than the two previous times. Although I'd decided to take a break from philosophy, the drug had a way bringing out the philosopher in me.
I started wondering what the cosmos is made of. What is reality made out of? The Chinese have a saying, "It's hard to see the mountain when you're inside it." So someone ideally suited to figure out what reality is made out of would be someone who exists outside reality. But how can someone exist outside reality? No wonder it's so hard to figure out!
I also started thinking about the different stages in one's life, and I felt regret that I'd missed out on so much.
After the session was over, my parents and I went to see the psychiatrist in charge of me ketamine to see if certain changes could be made to the protocol.
Yet another awful journey in San Francisco. Yet another session that did me no good. Stupid fucking Weebly won't let me choose the titles for my posts anymore...
I had to wait quite a while for my next session because of Kaiser Permanente taking so damn long to get its act together.
Well, I had to make the very inconvenient journey to San Francisco to have it. It was administered to me in some hospital, and I felt hardly anything. I really am starting to think there is no hope for me, and I have nothing to live for.
My latest treatment had no effect. I'm starting to wonder if I'm beyond being helped.
Whoa! It's been a while since my last post. That's because getting my next session squared took considerably longer than anticipated. Rest assured, though, that there will be a post covering my upcoming session next week.
Months after the sixth session, I had the first session of what's supposed to be a series of four monthly sessions. The first such session (which makes for a grand total of seven overall) had no impact on me, and that led to me despairing ketamine was actually no cure at all for me and that all my hope had been in vain.
However, I was eventually persuaded to give it another try, and the subsequent session was a breakthrough. It dispelled my extreme depression and helped lead to more revelations.
During the camping trip I went on with brother and father, I felt enough clutter had been cleared from my mind to realize I'd hit the upper limit on the usefulness of rationality in coping with my emotional state. I needed to rely more on emotion and exercise to improve my mood.
I also think I've finally figured out the answers to the meta-ethical questions that have been perplexing me for years! I can see why The Doors of Perception has a philosophical bent to it. I've never thought of drugs as a philosopher's tool before, but I'd imagine it's akin to Siddhartha must have experienced when he was in deep meditation, trying to figure out how to live a good life. I also think it must be why A.I.-generated works of literature like this reads like something written by someone on on acid trip. The computer lacks preconceived notions, and taking drugs can clear your mind of preconceived notions.
The sixth session felt shorter than the previous one but longer than the third and fourth sessions. I felt a certain calmness this time around. I had a revelation that I’ve been overly fixated on the possibility of being wrong to the point where it was actually contributing to my anxiety and, ironically, diminishing my ability to ascertain the truth.
The session concluded with me feeling a glowing sense of contentment.
Before leaving Facebook, I told my friends on Facebook about this blog, and one of them recommended The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley. I plan on reading it some time.